Life 3

 "When I Choose To See The Good Side Of Things, I'm Not Being Naive. It Is Strategic And Necessary. It's How I Learned To Survive Through Everything."

Hello Here we are 7 days In and it has been an interesting ride so far not that many up and downs just lots of time to think and feel and I think that is really what I wanted from this time. I have been missing people a little bit but not the ones I used to work with. Maybe the ones I miss are not even real they are people who care about me and my happiness but those people seem to be very far and few between. 

I am so busy trying to take care of myself so maybe other people are just trying to do the same and it is not heartless of them it Is just how life works 💔  

"life is fair because it's unfair with everyone"

I do still want to do lots of walking and going to see the coast but everything cost money even the time things you never think of but I know that I will see Brighton even if is living on the streets there and in a lot of ways that is less scary then living a life than I hate ever second and just count down the hours till tomorrow sometime I did all the time in my old job. 

Party

"Alone in the dark,

Is it more alone

Than alone in the light

That keeps you up at night

There's more than one reason

To hate the world spinning

Everyone hates the party

Everyone hates the party,

You say you love me

Everyone hates the party

At home,

Do you leave the blue screen on?

Do you watch the dots

Like everything

Please don't forget

You're something I listen to

When I'm not sleeping

Fortune grows

Where you lie the most,

And time says "today,

Be afraid it's not the same,

Today" 

Life

 "During the 1960s, I think, people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. And I don't think they've ever remembered"

Hello I hope that you are well. Sometimes amazing happen the other day I wake up and remember I was alive and that I was free to live my life and that I have been doing. I am living in the moment or atlas I am trying to and that is a good start.

I want to Hastings yesterday and I had a nice time there but I would have liked to have stayed a bit longer. I just love walking but the sea I always feel so free and at peace and I think about the past and I remember when we used to walk along together she was always so happy when she was by the sea it was like it was the first time she saw it ever time. 

I  remember never feeling at peace I was always worrying about what was going to happen or wishing that I could be someone else that I missed out on what I wanted the most someone who loved me us as I was.

"What if I stopped thinking of pain as something that needs to be numbed, fixed, dodged, and protected against? What if I tried to honor its presence in my body, to welcome it into the present?"

“Sometimes, people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, so what. That is one of my favourite things to say. So what.”

Truth

"When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we can no longer remember it is even there, but it is, still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, that debt is paid."

"Where I once would fear the cost of truth, now I only ask: What is the cost of lies?

Healing 2

 "I used to think healing meant ridding the body and the heart of anything that hurt. It meant putting your pain behind you, leaving it in the past. But I’m learning that’s not how it works. Healing is figuring out how to coexist with the pain that will always live inside of you, without pretending it isn’t there or allowing it to hijack your day. It is learning to confront ghosts and to carry what lingers. It is learning to embrace the people I love now instead of protecting against a future in which I am gutted by their loss."

Healing

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone"

"Hearts are breakable," Isabelle said. "And I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before".

Good

I-I-I-I need you to tell me that I'm a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I'm a good person, and I need you to tell me that I'm good. Diane? Tell me, please, Diane. Tell me that I'm good.

Nyc homeless

" The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are."

Tattoo

 

This is my first tattoo and I am very happy and pleased with it and it makes me feel strong and bave every time I see it. Ethel Cain has been one of my favourite artists for a very long time and that is more true than ever. 

I never really feel that alike the people around me they seem happy just going about there everyday life. 

So it does make me happy to know that there are other people like that out there and it does not matter what kind of life you live.

I feel like there has been a wait taken off of me the last few days.

I don't know what I want to do with my life but I just new that it could not go on as it was. 

"Because It's all just a pointless swirling bucket of Bellshit. That bagel is where we finally find peace Evelyn"

Almost free

"Well, all the boys in the madhouse

Wanna get out

"Do you know?

Do you know what counts?"

My father asks me

As he looks into my eyes

As he has before, a million times

He tells me, "I think I am ready to go,"

I say, "Yeah, dad, I know

I know

I've heard you say it before,"

He says, "No, but really, this time I think I’m sure" 

Life

 Hi its been a while and I am good in some ways and I have been better in others. I am leaving and as the days go by I feel more and more that it is the right thing to do and that my happiness has to count for something.  I don't know where I want to be in life I just know that I don't want to where I am. 

A lot of this started when I had a few days away at Brighton and in the few days I felt good about life and I flet good about myself. I was enjoying the days not just waiting for the next one. I flet good to be around other people and they where opening up to me.

It shows me that there can be so much more to life and the only one stopping me living in was myself and all I have to do is found a way to break free. I know that money is important but it should never be a cage that we get locked in. I want to make the world a better place even if it is only for one person.

"The thought of maybe being a good person is what keeps me trying to be a good person."

Stranger things

 "Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would."

Between two kingdoms

"Some traumas, I learned, refuse to remain in the past, wreaking havoc in the form of triggers and flashbacks, nightmares and fits of rage, until they’ve been processed and given their proper place."

"The logical mind tries to remind itself that sometimes you must suffer in order to feel better. But the body has its own memory: It remembers who hurt it."

"Perhaps the greatest test of love is the way we act in times of need. It is the moment of accountability that all relationships seem to arc toward. I’ve prided myself on being a good friend in tough times—on being capable of sitting with hard things and going above what is required to be there for someone as they near the knife’s edge." 

Casings

"Am I not good enough for you

Is there something wrong with me

You say don't cry, you know you're mine

Baby, don't you lie to me

Am I just not what you want

Am I just not what you need

Is there someone who has your heart

That keeps you gone away from me

Is she prettier than me

Is her skin softer than mine

Can she give you what I can't

The things I cry for every night

Is it something in how she moves

When you're undressed inside her house

Does she smile the way I do

When she has you in her mouth

Do you not love me like you did

When you told me that it's fine

That I've been hurt, cause you've been too

And that kind of pain, you don't mind

I think about you every day

Cause I love you more than I thought I could

And now that you're gone I wanna die

Cause I don't hate you like I know I should

Was I not good enough for you

Was there something wrong with me

I just cry by myself at night

But you'll never know and you'll never see"

Ethel Cain

 

Ariel ❤️ AML films

"Just be easier more understanding you never know what someone is going through"

 "Maybe if more people stopped asked what made you do this' what's wrong more people would get help"

Three futures

 "I hope what you will remember

Is not how I left but how I entered

And not the hope that I abused

If remembering's something you do"

Be kind

 

"The Only Thing I Do Know Is That We Have To Be Kind. Please, Be Kind. Especially When We Don't Know What's Going On."

Everything

  "Nothing Matters, Then All The Pain And Guilt You Feel For Making Nothing Of Your Life Goes Away – Sucked Into A Bagel.”