Goodbye 2017

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.

Hello I hope that you all had a good Christmas mine one has been ok but I am happy that 

it is over and we can all get back to everyday life.

My job seems to be going ok so that is some good news to take into 2018 but I still don't have

have any friends so that is a sadness to take into 2018 and it is something that I don't see

changing. Maybe I am just a bad friend or a bad person? I don't know? maybe both?

I just hope that I am a better person at the end of 2017 then I was at the start of it

and maybe that is all that we can ask for to get a little bit better every year.

Hometown

All grown up, saving up for my exit

Let it burn in the rearview mirror

The folks I know will all go

On their way to staying the same

But the further that I get

The deeper my regrets

Hometown goes wherever you go

Hometown goes wherever you go

Hometown goes wherever you go

Such a beautiful ring of black fire

I can see it for miles and miles

When I come back I’ll be

Something to somebody

Just imagine what they'll say

I'll see 'em on my way

Hometown goes wherever you go

Hometown goes wherever you go

Hometown goes wherever you go

Further that I get, the deeper my regrets

Hometown goes wherever you go

Hometown goes wherever you go

Hometown goes wherever you go

"A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son?
And what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder that roared out a warnin'
I heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
I heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin'
I heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin'
I heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin'
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

Oh, what did you meet my blue-eyed son ?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded in hatred
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
And the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell and speak it and think it and breathe it
And reflect from the mountain so all souls can see it
And I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my song well before I start singing
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall

Monsoon

Just two days after the first of June
A pine with arms brushing off the dew
Unlike a sky copious with death
Precipitation of heart and head
Should wash the rest of her youth away
And carry on with it as she may
But something's pending curvaceously
'Cuz sunburned skin won't agree with me

It should've been me...

The pleasure's good as the pleasure's sound
My chin held shut so my heart can talk louder
I was a mess just like the pool
Our days spent crossed out of Sunday school
July has always been shy of June
Some monsoon, monsoon, monsoon
Come heavy of a golden hue
My monsoon, monsoon, monsoon
Monsoon, monsoon...

It should've been me...

End loneliness

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.

So 2017 is coming to an end and one thing that has run thought it has been loneliness.

It has never been far away there has been a few times when I thought I had friends but

it has always come to and end and my loneliness has come back like an old friend.

I am starting to understand that a lot of people suffer from loneliness and just how 

bad it can be for you and I have been to pleased to see the way done to try to end loneliness.

And it is something that I am going to try to push more next year.

Things like #Smalltalksaveslifes are great but I don't know who we stop people from

becoming cut off from the world and feeling that no one cares about them.

As the late Jo Cox said " we are far more united and have far more in common with each other than things that divide us. We just need to found a way to reminder that.

We live in a society bloated with data yet starved for wisdom. We're connected 24/7, yet anxiety, fear, depression and loneliness is at an all-time high. We must course-correct.

So my hopes for 2018 is that there maybe an end to my loneliness and that I maybe make

a few friends and that I know that there is someone there for me when I am low.

But I don't know if we are all just trying to make a way thought live and we are just

to busy to think about other people and the pain that they are in some just trying to keep going.

We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.

2018

Tomorrow hopes we have learned something from yesterday.

Hi so I  had a good few days good days at work at last and I think that I maybe ok

there in the end but we never know what is yet to come as I have found out.

But it is nice to know people in the outside world I don't think online friends

are going to work for me. 

Can someone be your friend if they are never there when you need them 

and they all always want to keep you at arm's length.

I am not sure that is a friend to me it is just I ask nothing of you and you

ask nothing of me it is all talk and no action it is words without the deeds to go with it.

Maybe that is how people are friends now but that is not for me.

Or maybe we are all just trying to found a way thought the day.

I am feeling better about next year but this will be a year that I will never forget

and maybe a year that I needed to put me on a new road even if I don't know 

where that road goes to.

But there has always been something or someone to keep me going.

something that let me know that no matter how dank it get that the sun would shine again. 

Maybe that is how are mind keeps us going it gives us just enough hope to keep going on.

 "The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it, for the first time, with a sense of hope. Because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too."

Fairytale of New York

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me,
Won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars
Big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old

When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on the corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing 'Galway Bay'
And the bells are ringing
Out for Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead
On a drip in that bed

You scumbag
You maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God
It's our last

The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing 'Galway Bay'
And the bells are ringing
Out for Christmas day

I could have been someone
Well, so could anyone
You took my dreams
From me when I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing 'Galway Bay'
And the bells are ringing
Out for Christmas day

Cactus tree

There's a man who's been out sailing
In a decade full of dreams
And he takes her to a schooner
And he treats her like a queen
Bearing beads from California
With their amber stones and green
He has called her from the harbor
He has kissed her with his freedom
He has heard her off to starboard
In the breaking and the breathing
Of the water weeds
While she was busy being free

There's a man who's climbed a mountain
And he's calling out her name
And he hopes her heart can hear three thousand miles
He calls again
He can think her there beside him
He can miss her just the same
He has missed her in the forest
While he showed her all the flowers
And the branches sang the chorus
As he climbed the scaley towers
Of a forest tree
While she was somewhere being free

There's a man who's sent a letter
And he's waiting for reply
He has asked her of her travels
Since the day they said goodbye
He writes "Wish you were beside me
We can make it if we try"
He has seen her at the office
With her name on all his papers
Through the sharing of the profits
He will find it hard to shake her
From his memory
And she's so busy being free

There's a lady in the city
And she thinks she loves them all
There's the one who's thinking of her
There's the one who sometimes calls
There's the one who writes her letters
With his facts and figures scrawl
She has brought them to her senses
They have laughed inside her laughter
Now she rallies her defenses
For she fears that one will ask her
For eternity
And she's so busy being free

There's a man who sends her medals
He is bleeding from the war
There's a jouster and a jester and a man who owns a store
There's a drummer and a dreamer
And you know there may be more
She will love them when she sees them
They will lose her if they follow
And she only means to please them
And her heart is full and hollow
Like a cactus tree
While she's so busy being free

Hope lives on

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." 

Boy 1904

Hurt feelings

"It's so easy to laugh 

It's so easy to hate 

It takes guts to be gentle and kind 

Over, over 

Love is natural and real 

But not for you, my love 

Not tonight, my love 

Love is natural and real 

But not for such as you and I, my love"

Hello it has been a long time and somethings have changed and some are the same.

I had the worse Birthday of my life and there have been some bad ones.

For a long time I have not had any friends and I was ok with that.

You know that you are not going to get anything and you don't have to give anything.

But at last I thought I had some they would ask about my day and I would do the same

they would care if I was happy or sad they would be there if I needed them.

Well that is how I thought it would go.

So well my Birthday coming up I was I was looking forward to it.
It had been a bad year but this would be a good end to it that is the thing
about hope it can go both ways if you have it you can lost it.
So I seat at home alone just wait for one of my friends to wish me well
they would not all forget they where my friends but the end of the day come
and they had.
My feelings where hurt and I felt more alone then ever after everything nothing
had changed and I still have no friends but this time I had to found out the hard way.

The A team

White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste

Lights gone, days end
Struggling to pay rent
Long nights, strange men

And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
'Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And she don't want to go outside, tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly, for angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat
Tried to swim and stay afloat
Dry house, wet clothes

Loose change, bank notes
Weary-eyed, dry throat
Call girl, no phone

And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
'Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
But she don't want to go outside, tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
Its too cold outside
For angels to fly
An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eye
And hoping for a better life
This time, we'll fade out tonight
Straight down the line

And they say
She's in the class A team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

They scream
The worst things in life come free to us
And we're under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And we don't want to go outside, tonight
And in the pipe fly to the motherland
Or sell love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly, angels to fly
To fly, fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly
Angels to die

PALOMINO

Ride with me, boy, on my palomino
Racin' through grey skies, lookin' for the yellow
Leave your father, mother, sister to the TV shows
They try to fix you, but sorrow's in the marrow
Ride with me, boy, on my palomino
Racin' through grey skies, lookin' for the yellow
Leave your father, mother, sister to the TV shows
They try to fix you, but sorrow's in the marrow

People are afraid of the quiet ones
But I'm terrified of those that laugh too much
Sorrow sit and lie when you get too close
So I ride to your front yard and through your window
I will whisper

Ride with me, boy, on my palomino
Racin' through grey skies, lookin' for the yellow
Leave your father, mother, sister to the TV shows
They try to fix you, but sorrow's in the marrow
Ride with me, boy, on my palomino
Racin' through grey skies, lookin' for the yellow
Leave your father, mother, sister to the TV shows
They try to fix you, but sorrow's in the marrow

How are ghosts so loud, and treat you cruel?
the edge of
There is something I know when you're near
That I forget when you go
I'm gonna save you from the insincere

Ride with me, boy, on my palomino
Racin' through grey skies, lookin' for the yellow
Leave your father, mother, sister to the TV shows
They try to fix you, but sorrow's in the marrow
Ride with me, boy, on my palomino
Racin' through grey skies, lookin' for the yellow
Leave your father, mother, sister to the TV shows
They try to fix you, but sorrow's in the marrow

November

November
Has taken its toll
And if I know better
There's more to come
And the ocean is waitin' at our backdoor
You know we could leave
But we know in our hearts
There's so much more
We will find a way
To make it through these days
And we will find a way
To make it through these days
And I've fallen face down in the sun
Yeah, I take my chance playin'
Life's little dance and I still don't understand
And people are talkin' at me
Yeah, they make no sense
Wish I could pay my expenses
And get on the next train outta here
We will find a way
To make it through these days
We will find a way
To make it through
With sweet love and prayer
And who's the fairest of us all
And who will fight for you and I
Who's the bravest of us all
And who will hold us when we cry
When we cry
And we will find a way
To make it through these days
We will find a way
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through

35 and 362 days

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

Hello so sadly my two days off are coming to an end but to be fair I have not done a lot.

I can't believe that I will be 36 in 3 days where has the time gone?

Am I the man I thought that I would be I am not sure but I am still here so that is

a victory in a way and when you start from nothing anything is up.

But maybe it is time to stop looking back and it is time to move on.

I was going to clean my room in my days off it's still not done I was going to

tweet my friend but it is still not done I was going to ring my job club but it is not done.

I was going to clean my work things but they are still not done.

Everything just feels so meaningless to me and I feel so cold and alone.

What does my life mean to anyone and what would change if I was not here?

Weather I like it or not I need people but they can be hard to understand and

they can hurt your feels and they can make you miss them and can end up 

pushing them away and then they may not come back again.

"It's a problem that our choices choose the wrong ones
That's probably the reason we're afraid we'll die alone
To a fault defending a simple course of action
We're distance and distraction from the nights we'd spend at home
Your eyes seem to observe my room so neatly
Behind the frames that used to greet me
At the bar around the block
Tonight they tell me that you never sleep too soundly
That you might have even missed me
More times than you could count
As you quietly let yourself out"