The boy

"The boy with the thorn in his side

Behind the hatred there lies

A murderous desire for love

How can they look into my eyes

And still they don't believe me

How can they hear me say those words

And still they don't believe me

And if they don't believe me now

Will they ever believe me?

And if they don't believe me now

Will they ever believe me?

The boy with the thorn in his side

Behind the hatred there lies

A plundering desire for love

How can they see the love in our eyes

And still they don't believe us

And after all this time

They don't want to believe us

And if they don't believe us now

Will they ever believe us?

And when you want to live

How do you start?

Where do you go?

Who do you know?"

The interview part two

"Two lovers entwined pass me by
and heaven knows I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
and heaven knows I'm miserable now"

Hello so I start what could be or what may not be my now job.

I have not been having the best time the last week as you may have

seen in my last post and that has not changed.

There have been a lot of sleepless night and feeling uneasy.

I don't know what I am walking into and I don't know who I am

going to hold up to working 10 hours a day after all this time.

But on the up side I can not wait to start going shopping again but 

I am not sure if that is a good reason to get back into work.

Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there.’

"You can only lose what you cling to."

I am going to miss my life as it is now that is if tomorrow goes well 

and that is very 50 % 50 but I have come to feel safe and home.

I know what I have to do and what I am going to face but there is a

part of me that wants me then that but there is the other part that knows

the rick that comes from wanting more and it taking that next step.

1 I have got to think about what to wear 

2 I have got to go a day without my music 

3 I have to try to get along with people 

3.5 I have got to work out what to do if I don't

4 I have to think about when I am going to eat

5 I have got to think about how to get there 

6 I have got to think about how to get back home

7 I don't know if I can do the job 

8 I don't want to let anyone down

9 I afraid that something will go wrong

Well lets bring on tomorrow and whatever it will bring 

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future"

The interview

"And when no hope was left in sight on that starry
Starry night.
You took your life
As lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
This world was never
Meant for one
As beautiful as you."

So I had a interview the other day good news right? well you would think so but no.

The last few days have been hell and I have gone a long way back.

It's one step forward one hundred steps back and I don't know what to do.

I can't face looking for a job but that is what I have got to do or die homeless

and penniless even if I do think that will happen one day.

The past has brought me to my knees and I can't get one and I just see myself

ever in a job again I just want to stay at home all day and feel safe there.

I have lost my trust in people and that they do not wish ill of me.

I just thank god that I have got my two best friends and I don't know what I 

would do without them but again me they both seem so amazing and I am left 

wishing that I could be like them a full person.

I am 35 and I wish that I was 70 I just don't know what to do with the rest of my life

right now it seems never ending and it is only going one way and that is down.

“It was as if he had come to mistrust words somehow. Words, and the sentiments words carried.” 

“You might be locked in a world not of your own making, her eyes said, but you still have a claim on how it is shaped. You still have responsibilities.” 

I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok that the past does not have to ruin the future and that I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul

Lion's roar

Now the pale morning sings of forgotten things
She plays a tune for those who wish to overlook
The fact that they've been blindly deceived
By those who preach and pray and teach
But she falls short and the night explodes in laughter

But don't you come here and say I didn't warn you
About the way your world can alter
And oh how you try to command it all still
Every single time it all shifts one way or the other

And I'm a goddamn coward, but then again so are you
And the lion's roar, the lion's roar
Has me evading and hollering for you
And I never really knew what to do

Well I guess sometimes I wish you were a little more predictable
That I could read you just like a book
For now I can only guess what's coming next
By examining your timid smile
And the ways of the old, old winds blowing you back 'round

And I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you
And the lion's roar, the lion's roar
Has me seeking out and searching for you
And I never really knew what to do

Sometimes I wish I could find my Rosemary Hill
I'd sit there and look at the deserted lakes and I'd sing
And every once in a while I'd sing a song for you
That would rise above the mountains and the stars and the sea
And if I wanted it to it would lead you back to me

And the lion's roar, the lion's roar
Is something that I have heard before
A children's tale, the lonesome wail of a lion's roar

The past

"Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own."

Hello
So I have not been having the best time the last few days and there has been a lot
going on with my family.
So today I made up my mind to do some house work and to clean my room now
I know that would not be a big deal to most people but as I was cleaning my
room I got really upset as I saw some of my ex girlfriends thing.
I wanted to cry I want to do go back in time time and change what has
happened but I can see that I have never moved on from her.
She was funny and kind and just like me in a lot of way
they do say that there is someone for everyone but sometimes you only
found that out to late.
I wonder what she would make of me now?

I have get a lot of house work done and I am feeling a lot better for it
maybe I can get things done and I can look to the the future and not be stuck in the past.

Big Thief

"She was a shark smile in a yellow van
She came around and I stole a glance in my youth
A vampire
Evelyn shown quiet as roses sting
It came over me at a bad time
But who wouldn't ride on a moonlit line?
Had her in my eye, 85 down the road of a dead end gleam

And she said woo
Baby, take me
And I said woo
Baby, take me too

It came over her at a bad time
Riding through Winona down the dotted line
Held us gunning out
Ninety miles down the road of a dead end dream
She looked over with a part smile
Caught up in the twinkle, it could take awhile
And the money pile on the dashboard fluttering

As she said woo
Baby, take me
And I said woo
Baby, take me too

Evelyn's kiss was oxygen
I leaned over to take it in
As we went howling through the edge of south Des Moines
It came over me at a bad time
She burned over the double line
And she impaled as I reached my hand for the guardrail
Ooh, the guardrail
Ooh, the guardrail

And she said woo
Baby, take me
And I said woo
Baby, take me too

She said woo
Baby, take me
And I said woo
Baby, take me too"

Big Thief - Mythological Beauty

You have a mythological beauty
You have the eye of someone I have seen
Outside of ordinary situations
Even outside of dreams
You lie in bed at night and watch the lines of headlights through your screen
There is a child inside you who’s trying to raise a child in me

If you wanna leave
You just have to say
You’re all caught up inside
But you know the way

You cut the flesh of your left thumb
Using your boyfriend’s knife
Seventeen, you took his cum
And you gave birth to your first life
You gave Andrew a family who you thought would love and take better care
I have an older brother I don’t know
He could be anywhere

If you wanna leave
You just have to say
You’re all caught up inside
But you know the way
You’re all caught up inside
But you know the way

Rented a house in Niswah, Minnesota
Shrapnel and oil cans, rhubarb in the yard
I built a ladder out of metal pieces
Father was working hard
Standing beneath the oak tree by the front door
You were inside baking bread
Sister came out and put her arms around me
Blood gushing from my head
You held me in the backseat with a dishrag, soaking up blood with your eyes
I was just five and you were twenty-seven
Praying “don’t let my baby die”

If you wanna leave
You just have to say
You’re all caught up inside
But you know the way
You’re all caught up inside
But you know the way

So much more to live your life
To walk the floor
To say goodnight
Do you leave your light on?
Do you leave your light on?

You’re all caught up inside
But you know the way

I Want The One I Can't Have

On the day that your mentality 
Decides to try to catch up with your biology 

Come round ...
'Cause I want the one I can't have 
And it's driving me mad 
It's all over, all over, all over my face 

On the day that your mentality 
Catches up with your biology 

I want the one I can't have 
And it's driving me mad 
It's all over, all over, all over my face 

A double bed 
And a stalwart lover for sure 
These are the riches of the poor 

A double bed 
And a stalwart lover for sure 
These are the riches of the poor 

And I want the one I can't have 
And it's driving me mad 
It's all over, all over my face 

A tough kid who sometimes swallows nails 
Raised on Prisoner's Aid 
He killed a policeman when he was 
Thirteen 
And somehow that really impressed 
Me 
And it's written all over my face 

Oh, these are the riches of the poor 
These are the riches of the poor 

I want the one I can't have 
And it's driving me mad 
It's written all over my face 

On the day that your mentality 
Catches up with your biology 

And if you ever need self-validation 
Just meet me in the alley by the 
Railway station 
It's all over my face 
Oh...

Mothers

You will grow all you need to grow inside my spine
And then take what you need to take, what's yours is mine
And then just give all you want of it to some new thing
I'll stay here, the provider of that constant sting they call love
They call love

You will drain all you need to drain out of me
All the colors have washed away, no more rosy sheen
Not just a pale isolated shallow water place
Oh what a place I call myself
I call myself

Oh love all you need to love before it goes
When your face becomes a stranger's I don't know
You will never remember who I was to you
Carried in the womb
I'm called mother
I'm called mother
They're called home
They're called home
They're called
They're called
Mothers
Mothers

Give all you need to give
And sometimes they won't take what they need to take
The strangest chemical reaction
Inside of her brain, no she's not the same
No she's not the same
No she's not the same

Stitches

To the end

"All those dirty words

(Jusqu'à la fin)

They make us look so dumb

(En plein soleil)

Been drinking far too much

(Jusqu'à la fin)

And neither of us mean what we say (en plein amour)

Well, you and I

Collapsed in love

And it looks like we might have made it

Yes, it

Looks like we've made it to the end

What happened to us?

(Jusqu'à la fin)

Soon it will be gone forever

(En plein soleil)

Infatuated only with ourselves (jusqu'à la fin)

And neither of us can think straight anymore (en plein amour)

Well, you and I

Collapsed in love

And it looks like we might have made it

Yes, it

Looks like we've made it to the end

When you and I

Collapsed in love

Well, it looks like we might have made it

Yes, it

Looks like we've made it to the end

(En plein amour) you and I, we just

Collapsed in love

And it looks like we might have made it

Yes, it

Looks like we've made it to the end"

world mental health day

"Late this afternoon I heard your voice

I got hit for the first time in what felt like years

It struck me down, a harmless jab

But you, well you rang loud and clear

You tore down the walls

And just as quickly you were gone"

Hello it's 2.13am and I can not sleep. My mind is racing as I rerun the past.
I want to go Brighton for world mental health day but that means getting a train
at 6.30 am but I don't know how to get to the train station.
I  guess that I will have to walk in the dark but I am afraid to do that.
My road is very dark and there are no street lights but there is no other way.

I was looking foreword  to world mental health day but now I just feel worse
like I have got to a dead end and I don't know how to get back on the road.
Mental health has become very important to me over this time and I have
found some very good people thanks to it and out lets for my feelings.

And over this time I have got really back into music it has become my bestfriend
again and at times long times my only friend.
I have always loved music but it has and does sometimes take over.
there have been times when I have thought that I would not want to
live without it.
That there would not be anything good of me left.

Now that may sound over the top but music is not something that you see
it is something that you feel be it sadness, despair , happiness , joy.
It can change my mood take me to somewhere better.
I uses to go to see a lot of bands but I stopped going over time feeling
that I did not fit in there or that I was not wanted there.
I can see now that was never true it was only how I feat about myself.
There where endless night that I would just lay there  depressed about
what I would do without music and who if anyone it belongs to.
I could have talked to my girlfriend but I could not think of anything to say.
I just loved music to much or the person that I thought it made me.
I wish that I could have that time back more then anything now.

I thought that I know what fear and lose was back then but I could not
have been more wrong.
I now know what true fear is fear that I will not make it thought the night
and then fear of what I will do if I do make it.

But I do feel like I have got over the worse of that now and one of the things
that I am most afraid of walking in the dark is getting hit by a car.
I don't want to die I have still got things that I want to live for.
And it upsets me that it has come to this.
I just want to make it to my walk and say thank you for the help that the
mental health world have gave to me and I really hope that I make it there

Now now

Into it over it